March 19, 2013     “Introduction to Collaborative Law”
Tarrant County Young Lawyers Association, Fort Worth      with Wayne Ward

January 25, 2013     “Getting Collaborative Law Cases Started”
Collaborative Law Section of the Tarrant County Bar Assoc., Fort Worth    Panel Discussion

2012

July 13, 2012    “Collaborative Law and Mediation”
Legal Aid of North Texas, Fort Worth    Family Law Seminar

June 15, 2012    Panel Member Discussing  “Social Media”
State Bar of Texas Convention, Houston

June 13, 2012    “Using the Updated Participation Agreement Form and Dealing with Domestic Violence Issues in Collaborative Cases”
Collaborative Lawyers of Arlington and Mansfield, Arlington

2011

October 30, 2011    Discussion Leader on “Social Media”
International Association of Collaborative Professionals (IACP), San Francisco    Annual Conference

September 9, 2011    Panel Member on “Starting a Law Practice”
State Bar of Texas, Fort Worth, at Texas Wesleyan University  Law School

June 30, 2011    “Establishing Office Procedures in Accordance with the Disciplinary Rules”
State Bar of Texas, Austin        Panel    Webcast

June 23, 2012    Panel Member on “Ethically Using Social Media: Real-Live Lawyer Success Stories!”
State Bar of Texas Convention, San Antonio

March 21, 2011    “Using Amicus and P.C. Law Software”
Tarrant County Bar Assoc., Fort Worth    Transition to Practice Program

2010

October31, 2010    Discussion Leader on “Social Media”
International Association of Collaborative Professionals (IACP), Washington, D.C.    Annual Conference

July 29, 2010    “Local Court Practices”
Legal Aid of North Texas, Fort Worth    Family Law Seminar

2009

November 6, 2009    “Getting to Know you: Using Social Media Ethically in Your Law Practice”
State Bar of Texas, Houston    Perfecting Your Practice

November 6, 2009    “Marketing Plan”
State Bar of Texas, Houston    Perfecting Your Practice

July 17, 2009    “Old-Fashioned Business networking” and “How to Use the Internet and Social Media”
Tarrant County Bar Assoc., Fort Worth        Panel

June 16, 2009    “How to Improve Client Communications”
State Bar of Texas, Austin        Panel    Webcast

May 1, 2009    “Collaborative Law”
Legal Aid of North Texas, Fort Worth    Family Law Seminar

March 27, 2009    “Breakfast with the Masters”   (Discussion Leader)
State Bar of Texas, Fort Worth    Collaborative Law Course

March 27, 2009    “Blogs: What They are and Why Collaborative Professionals Need to Know about Them”
State Bar of Texas, Fort Worth    Collaborative Law Course

2008

September 23, 2008        “Blogging”
State Bar of Texas, Austin        Discussion Leader,     Webcast

September 9, 2008      “Finding Yourself with Time on Your Hands”
Eldon B. Mahon Inn of Courts,  Fort Worth        Law Practice Management Program

July 15, 2008    “Maintaining Your Legal Calendar and Docket”
State Bar of Texas, Austin        Panel  Webcast

May 15, 2008    “Alternatives to Hourly Billing”
State Bar of Texas, Irving    Nailing It: The Tools You Need for Today’s Practice

2007

October 26, 2007    “Time Management in Your Law Practice”
State Bar of Texas, Houston    Success Strategies for Mid-Career Lawyers

March 9, 2007        “Why Collaborative Law Cases Fail”
University of Texas School of Law, Austin    Collaborative Law Spring Retreat

February 17, 2007    “Why and How to Keep Track of Time”
University of Texas School of Law, Austin

2006

April      , 2006    “Now You’re Hired.  How Do You Do the Work?”
State Bar of Texas, Austin        Panel      Webcast

2005

January 14-15, 2005    “Collaborative Law Basic Training” (2-Day Program)
Collaborative Law Institute of Texas, Boerne        Co-Leader of Training

2003

October 25, 2003  “Collaborative law and Mediation in high Conflict Cases”
Association of Family Court & Community Professionals, Irving
High Conflict Families

May 28, 2003    “Planning the Business of Delivering Legal Services”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

2002

November 20, 2002    “Establishing Office Policies”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute
September 25, 2002    “Planning the Business of Delivering Legal Services”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

March 27, 2002    “Establishing Office Policies”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

January 30, 2002    “Managing Your Time to Produce Better Work”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

2001

December 19, 2001    “Communicating Fee Issues”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

November 28, 2001    “Research to Create Your Business Plan”
State Bar of Texas, Dallas    Law Practice Management Institute

It isn’t all just about what the law says. We think a lot about how we would feel, or what we would want, if we were in a client’s shoes.

Start with the end in mind

As Stephen Covey and others have suggested, we need to know where our clients want to end up. We know it is often difficult for people going through the emotional trauma of a divorce or other family law issue to think very far into the future, but we can help identify and understand what’s really important. Focusing on the most important goals, needs and interests provides the best guidance for getting through the process in a way that minimizes damage. It also leads to the better outcomes because we deal with what really matters to our clients.

We ask and listen. Our approach to helping clients with family law issues is to start by asking questions and listening to find out what the most important goals and needs are for our client. We can tell you what the law provides, but we prefer not to be limited to just what the standard court-imposed approaches are.

Our focus is on settlement, if at all possible. We know most family law cases (probably 90–95%) will settle before the judge rules on them. We focus on finding the best way to get the best agreement possible. It also makes sense to start thinking about settlement at the beginning.

It really helps to understand the other party’s motivations and needs. Spending time figuring out those things can pay off when negotiations are going on to settle a case. Negotiations are more successful when both parties can feel like they have gotten what they want out of it. Knowing about the other party will also help us evaluate whether settlement is even possible.

A Way to Peaceful Solutions

The path to resolution used in Collaborative cases is very effective and can often be used even in litigated cases, although may not be as effective in litigation. We usually follow these steps:

1. Determine the parties’ goals, need and interests (for both parties).
2. Discover and organize the facts in the case.
3. Brainstorm possible solutions and generate as many options as possible.
4. Evaluate the options.
5. Negotiate and reach an agreement.

Court Hearings

In Your Best Interest? Court hearings are rarely the best way to resolve issues. They are stressful for the parties, expensive, slow, and often result in arbitrary rulings that don’t solve the most important issues. Some attorneys adopt a strategy of wearing down the other party through expensive and stressful court hearings, discovery processes and threats. That approach is sometimes successful, in the sense that a party may wear out and give up, or they may run out of money. However, that doesn’t bring peace and it is often very destructive to relationships between parents who still have to raise a child with each other.

Easy Way Out? Court hearings are sometimes used as an “easy way out”. It takes less effort and creativity to raise a complaint or issue and then just turn it over to the judge for a ruling. Finding or producing a unique solution tailored to the parties is hard work, but far more valuable and effective for the parties.

Unavoidable? Sometimes court hearings are unavoidable, especially if the other party is unreasonable or uncooperative, or if the other attorney is too conventional in his or her approach. If you have to go to court, you should have an experienced attorney with whom you are comfortable. Taking time to clarify your goals and understand the other party’s positions is not wasted time. It will still help out your efforts in court.

Bottom Line

In most cases, knowledge, experience and an open mind can lead to excellent results, if the parties start with the end in mind.

In Collaborative Law cases, we work hard to get the parties to establish and then focus on their goals, needs and interests. Negotiating with that perspective is called interest-based bargaining. One of the great advantages of Collaborative Law is the emphasis on goals, needs and interests. Instead of taking at arbitrary approach, such as aiming for half of everything, or using state guidelines to set child support or visitation schedules, interest-based negotiations look at what’s important to, or needed by, each party. While courts virtually never order everything sold and the proceeds split equally, many people still start out blindly wanting half of everything. Very often, that’s a bad solution.

1. Positional Bargaining. While some people start out saying they want half of everything, many others will start from an extreme position so that they can end up at 50-50 or at a slightly more favorable (but still arbitrary) position. Most people going through divorce use “positional” bargaining, either having an arbitrary 50-50 target or starting at extreme positions and not focusing on what’s really important to them. That usually involves tunnel vision, looking only at what’s in front of them and not considering alternative ways to meet their needs.

2. Other Contexts. Positional bargaining is used in other contexts as well. Many people will buy a house by negotiating the price with the seller. Sometimes it works out, but other times it doesn’t because of an extreme starting point or the unwillingness of one of the parties to compromise. Sometimes the negotiations in other situations become heated and inflammatory language is used as a means of getting someone to change their position. Many people just automatically start a negotiation by claiming an extreme starting point from which they plan to move to an acceptable end point.

3. Interest-Based Negotiations. In Collaborative Law, the focus from the start is on what’s really important to the parties. We don’t have an arbitrary goal, like 50-50, or arbitrary starting point. Instead, we start with something like “having a safe, affordable house” or “being able to finish the job training program”, things that are not as quantifiable, but which are clearly very important to one of the parties. Interest-based approaches require a lot of thought and planning, and they encourage creativity in coming up with customized solutions. Receiving half of a pension might not enable a party to pay for job training, but getting alimony could provide the means for that. Traditional litigated divorces focus on a limited field of possibilities. Collaborative Law emphasizes the parties’ real interests.

Examples: In Collaborative Law, here are some examples of solutions linked to needs.

• If a party needs cash, there can be alimony or the more liquid assets could go 100% to one party and the other party could get other assets.
• If one party needs more retirement funds, that could be agreed, with the other party getting other assets.
• If there’s an odd work schedule, the parties can create a unique possession schedule for the kids, instead of using the standard schedules.
• If a child or a party has special needs, there can be special solutions.
• If a party hasn’t worked outside the home for a number of years, there can be a focus on getting support or job training, not just splitting the assets.

Anyone wanting a thoughtful divorce should consider using Collaborative Law so they can get the advantage of interest-based negotiating.

1. If you see it coming, start preparing. Gather records, get control over some financial resources: cash, accounts, credit cards. You need to have some financial resources under your control that you can depend on. Cash and credit cards are very helpful, but cleaning out the accounts and leaving nothing for your spouse probably will hurt you in the long run. You will need to think about the respective living arrangements for you and your spouse. If you have kids, how will you take care of them, pay any necessary bills and share time with them with your spouse? Don’t just sit around, start planning and anticipating. Get some help from friends and professionals.

2. If you didn’t see it coming, start preparing, but move faster. If you have to play catch-up, do so. You still need to do a lot of planning, even if you get surprised. Start as soon as you can.

3. Research your options. Collaborative Law is always worth considering. (See some of my other posts or my Texas Collaborative Law Blog.) You might have to go into litigation, but mediation is usually an effective way to resolve cases. Talk to an attorney about the best way to proceed.

4. Decide what’s important for you. Figure out what you would like to end up with. That includes financial assets, kid issues and any other concerns you have. Spend time at the start of the process to determine what you want and you will have a better chance of being satisfied. Just defaulting to “half of everything” and “standard” possession or child support may not be in your best interest. Think about it and discuss the issues with your attorney and counselor (if you have one).

5. Select an attorney. Look for experience, training, cost and chemistry. Find out how much experience your prospective attorney has with the issues of your case. Is the attorney a Board Certified Specialist in Family Law? Does the attorney have any special training for Collaborative Law or other special needs for your case? Make sure the attorney is affordable.

It doesn’t benefit you or the attorney to hire the most expensive attorney and hope that you will somehow be able to afford him or her. There are many fine attorneys at different price ranges. Finally, and maybe most importantly, make sure you and the attorney have good chemistry. If you don’t feel comfortable and can’t communicate well with the attorney, go to someone else, no matter how great the first attorney is. There are plenty of attorneys around and you should be able to work with one you like and feel comfortable with.

I realize that not everyone is willing or able to make the decision to get divorced. If you are someone who’s had the decision made for you by your spouse, hopefully these suggestions will help you come up with a plan for response. These are not original, secret or complicated ideas. They are meant to help someone with a sudden need to deal with one of life’s most difficult situations.

• If there are kids, they still have a chance to have a nice holiday; if there’s fighting, however, that may not work out. Still, why mess up a major holiday and create a bad association with it for the rest of the child’s life? Waiting to file for divorce keeps the possibility of kids enjoying the holidays.

• Taking a little more time gives you time to research your alternatives. Should you try Collaborative Law? Or mediation? Or stay with litigation? How do they work? What are their advantages and disadvantages?

• You can use a little extra time to gather resources for the radical change that’s coming. Maybe you can save some money.

• You can also use the time to gather financial information and copy records.

• There’s also an opportunity to take pictures of things around the house and elsewhere. Use the time to create some useful records and references.

• Do a little thinking and planning about what you want to end up with, what you need, what your may want, etc. Plan ahead!

• Make sure you are emotionally ready to pull the plug on your marriage. Is it really over? Have you done everything you can do, or want to do, to try to save it? For some people, this is a major consideration. If you are not sure, take your time.

So, there are obviously some good reasons to move carefully and slowly right now. If you choose to wait to file, you can still do some research on Collaborative Law — one of the options for how to get a divorce — by meeting with a Collaborative attorney.

A good way to start is to find some Collaborative attorneys where you live and research them on line. Check with friends or other attorneys to find out who is recommended in your area. In you live in Tarrant County, Texas, there are a number of good, experienced Collaborative attorneys. By meeting with an attorney now, you can plan ahead and protect yourself. You can also evaluate whether you are comfortable with the attorneys you visit.

Meeting with an attorney early allows you to make a more thoughtful decision on who you hire and how and when you proceed.

On the other hand, if you don’t have easy access to a lawyer, you may need help in finding one appropriate for your situation.

Preliminary Considerations

1. What is your objective? Think about what you need to end up with. Do you need cash now? Do you want to stay in the house or get money to buy another house? Do you need retirement assets? Can you handle debts? How will children factor in? Figure out what your needs and goals are so you can discuss these ideas with your attorney. If you have special needs in certain areas, it probably isn’t in your best interest to try to just get half of everything. You can be more creative and better meet your needs by thinking about specific needs.

2. How much money do you have available? Frankly, this has a major impact on your course of action. Family law is expensive. Some people will try to handle everything without a lawyer and that sometimes works. For people with children, assets, debts, retirement accounts, houses, investments, professional careers and assets from before the marriage, a lawyer is really necessary. Fortunately, there is a wide range of attorneys available.

As you check around, find out the hourly rate, the amount of retainer and whether credit cards can be used. Some attorneys will use a credit card authorization with monthly payments instead of requiring a large retainer to be maintained with the lawyer. Bottom Line: find an attorney who is affordable for you and your budget. There are good attorneys in all price ranges.

3. Do you want a shark, a negotiator or a reasonable litigator? To help you decide that, you need to answer some other questions. Do you want a friendly divorce, a big battle or a private negotiation? Do you want to take care of your soon-to-be ex, or to be taken care of? Do you want revenge or to inflict pain and get retribution for your spouse’s misdeeds?

Keep in mind that if you hire an attorney who will take a scorched earth approach to your spouse, you will pay for it. All the extra threats, demands, hearings, depositions, discovery, pleadings and a trial cost a lot of money. You can inflict a lot of pain on your spouse, but it will severely deplete your assets. You have to decide if the revenge or punishment meted out is worth spending an extra $50,000 or $100,000 or more.

Getting Started

Once you have thought about your course of action, you need to consult with possible attorneys. So, how do you find the right attorney?

1. Get referrals. Talk with attorneys, other professionals and trusted friends and relatives, and ask who they like and trust. But, remember that what worked for someone else may or may not work for you. Follow up with the next two steps.

2. Go online. Research attorneys in your area online. Look at their qualifications and experience. Check out their web site. Read their blog if they have one. You can get a pretty good idea about an attorney by reading what he/she has to say and how it is written.

3. Check for chemistry. Meet with one or more attorneys and see if the chemistry feels right. Some very good attorneys work well with some people, but can never please some others. Go with your gut on this. If you feel comfortable and communicate well with the attorney, that’s a good sign. If something doesn’t feel right, try someone else.

Final Note: Be honest with your attorney. Don’t hide the bad stuff. The other side won’t and attorneys hate surprises. Be ready to discusses your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

At the outset, and all the way to the end of the case, you should try the following suggestions. Many of them are common sense and you may have even heard a lot of these from your parents when you were growing up. They are still good advice.

1. Look the other person in the eye. While this may not feel comfortable in some situations, failing to do so may lead to your spouse making inaccurate assumptions about what you are saying. “Not seeing eye to eye” is more than a figure of speech. It is often assumed to be an indication of deception. Get some help if that is difficult for you.

2. Answer. If you receive a message or a question, please answer so the other person knows you received it. Ignoring it may lead to various unhelpful assumptions about your silence.

3. Don’t attack verbally. Sometimes discussions end when one party gets on a roll and starts criticizing the other party. Even if it’s “true”, don’t attack. It doesn’t help at all and it may end discussions.

4. Ask for what you want. Don’t wait for someone else to speak up for you and don’t think you can bring it up later. No one will be reading your mind. Don’t assume that someone will remember what you may have said in the past. Speak up for yourself.

5. Speak factually. Don’t exaggerate or make up details. Don’t make assumptions about what your spouse or someone else wants or would do or say.

6. Don’t be looking at your cell phone while you are in a discussion. Pay attention to just the discussion at hand. Choosing your cell phone over the live person or persons you are talking with is rude and would probably be considered insulting.

7. Respond without engaging in or starting an argument. You don’t have to be mean or angry as you respond to what is said. Try to keep things factual.

8. Don’t rehash all the history of wrongs you suffered that were inflicted by your spouse. In a Collaborative context, the focus is on the future, not on assigning blame for past issues.

9. Respond directly and briefly. Don’t start a tirade because of a comment. Don’t change the subject and get off on a tangent. You don’t want to pay for long, unproductive meetings.

10. Don’t make assumptions or read things into statements. Those are common problems, even in Collaborative cases. Try dealing with statements on face value. Adding assumptions will always cause problems because the assumptions are usually wrong and negative.

Whether you are talking with your spouse, having a discussion in a joint meeting or working with a neutral expert, you will have an easier time by implementing the suggestions above.

My best suggestion on how to tell the children is for you to work with a counselor. You can get expert help on what, when and how to say things in a way that is less stressful for the kids.

To supplement that, I would add the following suggestions:

1. Do the right planning. Think about things ahead of time and plan for the best time to allow your kids to process the information and feel safe. Be able to explain how the divorce will affect them. Don’t over promise or guarantee certain outcomes. Don’t discuss issues that haven’t been decided. You may have to sometimes say, “We don’t know, yet.”

2. Do it at the right time. Decide whether you should tell them before someone moves out (probably so), but don’t do it too early (and then continue living together) or too close to the move out (they need time to process). A good time may be at the start of a weekend, so there’s time for the children to talk with both parents, if they want to. You should probably not tell the kids just before a major holiday or a test at school or some athletic or extracurricular event. It’s obviously hard to find a good time.

3. Do it with the right people. That usually means that both parents should be present and should participate about equally. It is preferable to say “we” more than “I”. Make it a joint effort.

4. Do it with the right reasons. You can explain things in broad terms, such as “We aren’t getting along and can’t fix the situation.” Don’t blame each other and don’t be too specific.

5. Provide the right responses. Listen and respond to your children’s comments and questions. Provide age appropriate responses. You can give broad statements, rather than a lot of specifics. Do reassure the kids that both of you still love them and the split has nothing to do with them.

6. Provide the right amount of information. Most children don’t really want or need to know the nitty gritty details. Be sure the kids know that there is no hope of reconciliation and that you have both reached that decision after carefully considering all the circumstances. Don’t try to give the children too much information. Keep it brief.

7. Do it with the right mood. Timing is important. Don’t try to have the discussion when the children (and the parents) are tired, hungry, busy, upset or preoccupied. That could lead to bad reactions.

If you are about to get a divorce and you have kids, someone will have to talk with the kids about what’s going on. In Collaborative cases, parents usually can get expert help from a counselor to prepare for this important discussion and the parents will usually cooperate in this effort. You can consider the factors above when you and your spouse are planning what to do. Good luck!

If anyone has any additional ideas to share about how to tell your kids about divorce, please share them by commenting below.

Every few years, Hollywood will come out with a movie like “War of the Roses” or “Kramer vs. Kramer” that highlights the damaging effects of extremely litigated divorces. Most people have family or friends, if not personal experience, with a contested divorce, and they are familiar with how divorces can become a public spectacle. While divorces vary in the degree of animosity and fighting, even relatively agreeable cases often involve at least some public displays of very personal matters.

One way for people to try to protect their privacy is to choose Collaborative Law as the process they use for a divorce or other family law matter. If you are facing the end of a marriage and you are deciding how to proceed, you might want to consider whether you want to use a private process or go public.

Here are some reasons why some people want to protect their privacy:

1. Many people using Collaborative Law own their own business. They may have a family business or a start-up business, or there may be a small business they have nurtured with a plan for it to grow in the future. Divorce for business owners can be scary because of the possibility of disrupting or damaging the business. Owners don’t normally want their competitors to be able to find out the financial details about the business and wouldn’t want competitors to get aggressive while the owner is distracted by a public, litigated divorce. Keeping the divorce quiet makes good business sense.

2. Professionals facing divorce are often drawn to Collaborative Law. Doctors, lawyers, CPAs, engineers, counselors and other professionals usually want to protect their professional image, and a messy divorce can really tarnish what had been a carefully protected image, which can hurt business.

3. Sometimes people going through a divorce don’t want their neighbors to know. Not all neighbors are wonderful, but many people also wouldn’t want good friends to know all about the divorce or their finances or personal habits, etc.

4. Similarly, many people wouldn’t want some of their nosy relatives to know. Every family has busy-bodies and gossips. Some will have nasty relatives who are just trouble makers. In those situations, it can be really nice to do everything privately.

5. Protecting children can be very important to some parties. Children should not be exposed to adult disagreements and should not become players in the process Kids don’t need to be able to read about their parents’ divorce in the paper or go to the courthouse to find contentious documents with unflattering statements about the parents. Kids will obviously know a divorce is going on, but they don’t need to be privy to the gory details of the breakup.

At a time when privacy seems to be slipping away because of technology, it’s nice to have a divorce option that goes against the tide and provides a process for parties to a divorce to work privately with divorce lawyers and neutral professionals in a civilized manner. Collaborative Law is the option with that opportunity.